Hello everyone,
My name is Stephanie Grossauer, I am 20 years old and live in Sudbury Ontario. In 2007 I was diagnosed with an Ectopic Pregnancy and almost lost my life at the same time, the doctors told me that the likelihood of ever conceiving again was very slim and if I did it would more than likely be another ectopic. My left fallopian tube was removed and my right fallopian tube was severely scared. Not only was I told I was lucky to be alive but also that I might never fulfill my want to be a mother. After I got out of the hospital it was hard, I had never felt like this before! A couple of people told me that it was probably just the surgery and nothing to worry about since “it’s not like there was anything to cry over”.
In 2008 I found out I was pregnant again, I went straight to the emergency room like the doctors had told me, I received a transvaginal ultrasound. The technician turned the screen and my heart skipped a beat, there it was a tiny little heartbeat on the black and white monitor, but it became the best moment in my life at that point. The months went by and my pregnancy progressed perfectly, I did everything in my power to make sure nothing went wrong and that I took care of myself and my baby. On December 31st, 2009 I discovered that I was having a little boy, he was to be named Nickolas Michael Walker. At that moment I knew that everything in my life revolved around that little boy (not that it already hadn’t) and I was link to him for life. He was and always will be my miracle baby, he has taught myself and anyone associated with him more in life than any person or professor could ever have. On Saturday May 23rd, 2009 Nickolas Michael Walker was born and I was cast in a world that no one should ever have to visit let alone live in. My life had changed forever!
xrockbottomx
In Loving Memory Of Nickolas Michael Walker 
Dear Stephanie,
First of all I’d like to say that I’m SOOOOOO sorry that I wasn’t more supportive during your first pregnancy. I’m sorry that I made you afraid to come to me and tell me of your pregnancy. I know that no matter how many times I say I’m sorry, it won’t make anything right. But as your mom, I thought that you were too young. I just wanted you to have a chance to live your life before you got overwhelmed with the huge responsibility of being a parent. Still though, I should have been there for you right from the get go, instead of just when things were too late.
I’m even more sorry that I wasn’t totally supportive when you told me you were pregnant with Nick. I think you knew all along the the closer the time came, the more I would warm up to the idea of being someone’s grandma. However, I was pretty cold towards the idea for the first few months. I know this doesn’t excuse my behaviour, but I was really afraid to lose you. Atfer your eptopic, when the doctor told me that we were lucky you were lying in the hospital instaed of the morgue…well this scared the living beejesus out of me. You are my “baby” and I was so afraid of losing you. I almost lost you when you were born, I didn’t want to take any chances of possibly almost losing you again.
Near the last couple of months of your pregnancy is when the idea of being a grandma started to warm my heart. The feeling was always there Steph, but it was just blinded by the me being stubborn. Even though I was somewhat stern when you told me, I instantly loved that baby because I love you and he was a part of you.
That day when we were sitting on the couch and I put my hand on your belly to feel him kick…that’s the day I knew in my heart that I was going to love he or she for the rest of their lives. Until Nick was actually born, I had no idea how much love I actually held in my heart for such a tiny individual.
The minute I laid eyes on him I feel instantly in love with him. I knew in that moment that he would never want for anything. I knew in that moment that I was going to be able to help shape this young boy into a well rounded young man. He was going to have all the love and care that anyone could ever ask for. However, there was a different course set out for Nickolas, that neither one of us expected nor were we prepared for.
Those two months that we spent at Sick kids were nerve racking, chaotic, stressful, exhausting and any other adjective you can come up with. But even though our lives were so upside down, I wouldn’t change anything for all the money in the world. Because in those two short months, I had the privilege of meeting the tiniest bravest person I will ever know. He wasn’t with us for very long, and even though he didn’t know this, he taught all of us a very big lesson of life. Everything that Nickolas taught me personally, I try to apply to everything I do on a daily basis.
He will always be a special little boy. God gave him to you because he knew that you are a special mommy. He knew that while Nick was growing inside you and during the short time that he was here that you would take the best care of him that you possibly could. He also knew that through all of this sadness and grief you would do great things…
Love you
Mom
Dear Steph,
I wish I would have found this poem for you on Mother’s Day. I know how sad you were and still are because you didn’t have Nick around to make you feel like a Mommy. This poem expresses everything I was trying to say to you on Mother’s Day to reassure you that you are and will always be Nick’s Mommy.
I love you Steph more than words could ever express, and I wish I could take all of your pain away. I know I can’t do this, but in some small way, I hope that I can offer you some comfort with the poem below.
Love you sweetheart for ever and ever,
Mom
I hope the author of this poem doesn’t mind me borrowing their beautiful words. This poem says it all. Thanks to author for sharing it.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom
Author Unknown
Steph, good for you for finding a way to work through the grief – and what a beautiful way to honour your sweet Nickolas. ❤ I hope that through this blog you will meet likeminded people who will identify with you and whom you can connect with. Sometimes there is simply nothing that can be said or done to ease our heart’s sorrow – but it certainly helps to know that we are not the first to know this kind of pain and that others have survived it. It gives us hope that we will survive it, too. And you absolutely will survive it. I think it’s admirable that you have not allowed grief to own you, Steph… this blog is a great idea. Keep writing. x
Thanks hun, this is very sweet of you 🙂