Category: Random Thoughts For The Day

So I know it’s been a while since I posted anything on here, but I just want to let you know I haven’t forgotten about any of you. I recently had a miscarriage in April so life lately hasn’t been the best,  which is the reason for the subject of my post today. It references the fact that I have had an Ectopic Pregnancy, a Neonatal Death and now a miscarriage. I’m at an all time low and for the most part have pretty much given up hope in my entire existence.  I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this and I should in all figurative sense of the phrase “dust my self off and get back on my horse”, but in times like this it leaves you feeling empty and dying inside. Losing yet another baby brought back all thoughts and memories of Nickolas’ death and it broke my heart into a million pieces all over again.

I’m so sick of everyone telling me stuff like “you’ll have a baby when the time is right” and “you’re still young don’t worry”. I know baby loss is a pretty unknown subject, not very talked about and almost taboo, but do people seriously understand what they say when they’re uttering words like that? Pardon my french but I honestly don’t give a shit if I’ll have a baby “when the time is right” it still hurts right now! Especially when I thought (foolish me) that the Higher Power in life wouldn’t let something like this happen to me yet again. Although it might sound like self-pity or however you may want to classify it, I sit alone at night and wonder when is it my turn to be happy. I see countless friends and family getting pregnant or having babies and I long to be in their shoes. Any way I think I’ve written enough for now considering tears are flowing down my cheeks. Remember to stay strong and if you can’t stay strong cry your eyes out because no one can tell you how and when to grieve!


Life After Death

No this isn’t some “I died and came back thing”, this is my post about what life is like almost two years after Nickolas’s death. I sit here reading what I wrote almost year ago and tears still fill my eyes. I don’t know how I ever got through those times, but I did and I’m here to say it is doable. I am not and will never say it’s easy, but it can be done. I will say that you can never ever let anyone tell you how to grieve. I mean okay there comes a point in time where you have to do like me and pick yourself up and dust yourself off and continue living, but never in a million years let anyone tell you it’s not okay to cry or think and miss your loved one. Remember take baby steps in your road to life after death, if you can’t take it one day at a time take it one hour at a time if you can’t do that take it in 10 minute increments. You’ll never fully recover from the loss but it will get better, try to take a moment to breath and calm down if you start feeling overwhelmed. Also please remember to surround yourself with positive people because negativity will only make the loss hurt more. Anyway I could talk all day about this stuff so I should leave some info for later.

Now What?

So it’s been over a year since Nickolas’ death and I’m still confused. Now that I’m over that extreme feeling of grief I don’t know what I should think. There’s so much I should do and could do it’s very overwhelming, there’s work or school even volunteer work. I know life needs to go on but I don’t know how to go about it being so detached for so long.

I’ve thought of studying to get my GED or finding a job or both and I know it’s what I need to do to get my life back on track but it’s intimidating to say the least.I think what’s holding me back the most is my back injury, as much as people think I’m lying the way the hospital messed up my back leaves me in pain when I walk more than 5-10 minutes or sit in a chair for an hour or so, even laying down gets uncomfortable after a while. If I try to go for Disability everyone’s going to call me lazy and think I’m crazy because I’m only 20 and if I sit at home and continue doing what I’m doing everyone is going to tell me it’s time to move on. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don’t know how I’m ever going to figure this out.

I mean let’s say I get my GED so I’ll have my diploma out of the way, that means I’ll be able to A) Go to college or B) Get a job. Either way it involves finding a job which means sitting, standing and everything else that comes along with working. It all comes back to my back and I really curse the hospital here in Sudbury for doing this to me, I used to walk miles and miles a day and now it hurt to walk to the 5 minutes to Wal-Mart. I don’t know I guess I’ll have to do my best to figure this out on my own, I mean who else is going to make decisions for me but myself. This is what being a grown up is all about!

Hey everyone I know it’s been awhile and I’m sorry. You’ll be happy to know that I’m doing amazing, I’ve finally gotten past that pothole and I’ve begun to start looking at the positives in life! So if I can do it, you can too, I never thought a year ago that things could get any better but I sit here today in total amazement of myself that I have come this far.

4 More Days

So the big day is in 4 days, and it’s really weighing on me! I just want to crawl into a corner and not come out for 24hrs with a giant box of tissue. Although I know that’s not plausible nor is it healthy it’s what I really want to do!

I am trying to think of something to write but my mind’s been so occupied I can’t think of anything!


All I have to say today is blah.

23 Days & Counting

So the days are getting shorter and so is the time between now and the day I’ve been dreading for a year. I don’t even want to think about it because the closer it gets the more irritable and depressed I get.  I’ve been so yucky and I’m pretty sure that by the time this is over everyone’s going to hate me.

I’ve been breaking down more often and at the simplest things. All anyone  has to say is one thing about him and I feel like crawling into a corner and never coming out. Any child I see makes me burst into tears, like today at the beach there was a little 21 day old baby next to our vehicle, he was cute as pie but I just couldn’t handle it took everything I had in me not to cry.

I’m going to see how I feel in another week, hopefully I will feel better!

Good Bless ♥

So only 32 days until the worst day of my life, I can feel the walls closing in on me. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning and if it wasn’t for some really great friends I probably wouldn’t. It’s hard to imagine that less than a year ago I was living sleepless nights smoking and crying outside on the patio of The Ronald McDonald house. I don’t even know how I made it thus far but I’m glad I did. I think it was a mix between good support and knowing that it will be better some day. Although I don’t exactly know when that day is I know that it will eventually come 🙂

That’s all I’ve got for today, I haven’t really felt up to writing anything, and I’m sorry this one’s so short I just don’t feel like breaking down at the moment it’s been hard enough lately.

I’ve been really down lately, I know it’s because there’s so much on my mind and no where for it to go. Even my computer games are making me happy lately, I don’t know if something’s going on or maybe my body is just preparing for that fateful day in July but it’s not nice feeling like this. I wish there was a group therapy thing in my area I would go check it out.

Just knowing that day is coming gives me the shivers. It feels like someone is tearing at my heartstrings every time I think about it. The Remembrance Gathering at SickKids is coming soon, on June 19th, I really hope we can go but my mom said the vehicle might not make it to Toronto and back, that and if we can afford it. I want to go so bad though 😦

Since Nickolas’ first birthday I’ve been cast into a shadow of grief, it hurls its waves at me leaving no room to breathe in between.  This summer I will be reliving each day like it was happening again and each wound will be reopened and dug even further. I expect to experience a wave of emotions as if I was freshly grieving all over again. Sleepless nights, no appetite and a longing to just crawl into a corner and die.

The memories still haunt me, I wake up frequently drenched in sweat from the nightmares. As his Angelversary approaches I get more and more fearful of how I’m going to react. I know it’s going to be a hard day for me to handle and I’m not looking forward to it at all!

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