Just something I wrote last year when it was Nick’s 5 months…

Something I wrote to Nickolas last month after he turned 5 months old, he is going to be 6 months old on Monday so I decided to post what I wrote to him as a note…

Nickolas Michael Walker Says: Can’t Wait Till I Get To Be With You Again Mommy & Daddy, You Were The Best Parents I Could Ever Ask For, I Wanted To Be With You So Much Longer But I Was Needed Else Ware, Things Will Get Better I Promise You Just Have To Believe In Life, I Know It’s Hard Right Now But Trust Me On This One… Love You Soooo Much ♥October 27 at 10:43pm · Comment ·LikeUnlike · View Feedback (3)Hide Feedback (3)

Stephanie Jade Grossauer: Like you wouldn’t believe my baby angel like you wouldn’t believe… you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I wish more than anything in the world that you were right here beside me, I don’t want to be on facebook and looking for things to do I want to be taking care of you, helping you when you cry, feeding you when you’re hungry, changing your diaper when you’re stinky… I’ll relish the day when I get to be with my beautiful baby boy whether it be tomorrow the next day or in 20yrs from now… when I’m finally ready to have another baby your brother or sister will know all about you and they’ll love you so much like you wouldn’t believe… grandma and I were watching the very few video’s I have of you and you were so adorable, I can still remember the way you used to suck on your soother or stick your tongue out at us, and even though you couldn’t cry because of that nasty tube I can just imagine your cute little voice…

The one thing I wish I could have in your short time here was if you could have held my hand… I still to this day don’t really feel like a mother I’ve been robbed of so much and don’t even know if I will ever be able to love again like I loved you… I often contemplate getting pregnant again I know it’s normal but just the thought sickens me internal mind and how dare I even think of having another baby (sorry grandma please don’t be mad at me) when my one and only love has been sent above… I could never replace you and the love we shared with you, you’ll always be one of a kind to me and the medical world and it’ll always be a mystery why things happened the way the did…

I still can’t bring myself to believe I didn’t have a part in what happened even though I was told over and over again by many people friends and professionals, I guess that’s just the way my mind has worked since you came into this world… since the moment I found out I was actually pregnant (20 pee sticks later) I was in love, I vowed to protect you from anything, (tmi I know) I only ever even had sex like 5 times while I was pregnant with you because I didn’t want to hurt you at all, I regret now still smoking but mommy really did cut down I know it’s not an excuse I’m the most horrible mother ever for not quitting on the spot but I tried I really did… I feel like a failure at motherhood and life, and there’s so many days when I wish I could just come be with you…

I wish every day that I could turn back time and just bring you home with me instead of waking up in that cold depressing room alone with daddy and grandma telling me that something was wrong, I didn’t even get to see you almost 12hrs after you were born, I can’t believe they wanted me to leave you alone… I sit here every day and night not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, and I know what I have to do I just don’t think I’m ready for it… you don’t even know how excited I was to tell everyone that I was having you… and the first time I felt your kick omg I was in heaven knowing that my little miracle was thriving in there because of me, you don’t even know how much I long to feel you kick again… if I would know what I know now I would even settle for being pregnant forever if it meant keeping you with me…

I hate looking at myself in the mirror at that hideous 2 foot long scar because every time I do it just reminds me even more of the pain I’ve had to go through and got nothing in return… watching you lay there in my arms and gasp for every breath killed me like no one can believe… to sit there and watch your baby die in your arms and there’s nothing you can do about it probably the most horrible thing in the world anyone would have to endure, I’m pretty even if I were dying it still wouldn’t compare to the feeling I felt inside when they removed the tube from your nose… I still look at it sometimes knowing that the short time you were here would have been made super short if it wasn’t for the advances in the medical sciences today, I am thankful that it was in place and let you be with us for a little bit longer…

I still can’t believe that stupid doctor didn’t even want to give you a chance at life even when you were the first to get whatever it is you want to call your “sickness”… to look in your sweet little eyes and tell you “I think it’s best if you kill him” would break anyone’s heart I would think… I would have been the most horrible mother in the world if I would have listened to those means doctors and just let you go like an ant on the sidewalk… To think of all the good times I would have lost out on if I would have listened to them…

There’s so much more I could say right now but I will just say this, I hope where ever you are that you know that I loved you more than I love myself and I’ll cherish your memory forever more… where ever and I am and where ever I will be I will forever be thinking of you and the time we had, and I’ll forever be waiting for the day that I get to be with you again… ~Forever & always my miracle baby Nickolas Michael Walker May 23rd, 2009 – July 30th, 2009~