Tag Archive: one year

4 More Days

So the big day is in 4 days, and it’s really weighing on me! I just want to crawl into a corner and not come out for 24hrs with a giant box of tissue. Although I know that’s not plausible nor is it healthy it’s what I really want to do!

I am trying to think of something to write but my mind’s been so occupied I can’t think of anything!


Almost There

So it’s 8 days away until the worst most painful day of my life. I don’t really know what to say at this moment because every day it’s gotten closer the more and more depressed and anxious I’ve been getting. I wish I could tell everyone it’s been easy but it’s been excruciating to watch the days tick down to this awful day.

Each day I long to hold him in my arms more and more, the pain rarely subsides and leaves me in peace. Almost a year after I sit here and feel like a horrible mother because I can remember holding him and loving him but I don’t remember what it feels like, my arms have been empty far too long. Honestly I can’t remember much from the time Nickolas was born until the day he died, I remember the events but the actual time together is a blur. I sit here night after night wondering if it would be best for me to join him because I don’t feel complete and I am definitely not myself anymore.

In my year’s journey through grief I have found that although people always say it’ll get better, they don’t really understand what it does to you. Even though I don’t do anything all day my grief exhausts me to the point where I feel like I’ve been working 12hr shifts every day. Even when I’m up and out I still get sidetracked and end up thinking about my great loss.

Any who I’ve got a lot to think about before next week, so I think this is enough for the day.


All I have to say today is blah.

23 Days & Counting

So the days are getting shorter and so is the time between now and the day I’ve been dreading for a year. I don’t even want to think about it because the closer it gets the more irritable and depressed I get.  I’ve been so yucky and I’m pretty sure that by the time this is over everyone’s going to hate me.

I’ve been breaking down more often and at the simplest things. All anyone  has to say is one thing about him and I feel like crawling into a corner and never coming out. Any child I see makes me burst into tears, like today at the beach there was a little 21 day old baby next to our vehicle, he was cute as pie but I just couldn’t handle it took everything I had in me not to cry.

I’m going to see how I feel in another week, hopefully I will feel better!

Good Bless ♥

So only 32 days until the worst day of my life, I can feel the walls closing in on me. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning and if it wasn’t for some really great friends I probably wouldn’t. It’s hard to imagine that less than a year ago I was living sleepless nights smoking and crying outside on the patio of The Ronald McDonald house. I don’t even know how I made it thus far but I’m glad I did. I think it was a mix between good support and knowing that it will be better some day. Although I don’t exactly know when that day is I know that it will eventually come 🙂

That’s all I’ve got for today, I haven’t really felt up to writing anything, and I’m sorry this one’s so short I just don’t feel like breaking down at the moment it’s been hard enough lately.

I’ve been really down lately, I know it’s because there’s so much on my mind and no where for it to go. Even my computer games are making me happy lately, I don’t know if something’s going on or maybe my body is just preparing for that fateful day in July but it’s not nice feeling like this. I wish there was a group therapy thing in my area I would go check it out.

Just knowing that day is coming gives me the shivers. It feels like someone is tearing at my heartstrings every time I think about it. The Remembrance Gathering at SickKids is coming soon, on June 19th, I really hope we can go but my mom said the vehicle might not make it to Toronto and back, that and if we can afford it. I want to go so bad though 😦

Loss Of A Parent

The death of a parent is a life-shaking event for which few are prepared. This experience can wound us deeply, leaving lifetime scars. Or it can, if grieved fully, initiate profound, unprecedented change and open our world into new perspectives and choices. The following steps to grieving the loss of a parent (whether recently or in the past) will tap this transformative potential.

Acknowledge the importance and power of this event. The death of a parent shakes the very foundation of our lives. It is natural, though often uncomfortable, to feel raw and vulnerable, alone, out of control. Rather than resisting the powerful forces activated in grief, learn strategies for moving through it, stage by stage, day by day.
Take time each day to honor your grief. Set up a sanctuary in your home or in nature, a protected place where you can open fully to your grief for ten to twenty minutes every day. Using the sanctuary, gradually you will find a rhythm of entering the grief for a period each day, then letting it go and attending to daily tasks.
Address any unfinished business with your parent. It is very common for unresolved feelings toward your parent to surface after his or her death. The grieving period is an important time to heal these old wounds and begin to say good-bye.
Participate in creating new family patterns. The family system is often thrown into chaos and upheaval after a parent’s death. Old patterns don’t work with the same predictable results. The family may thrash around for months, seeking a new balance with one another. This is a brief window of opportunity, when the family is opened up to change before a new system is established. You can either be thrown into this new system or consciously participate in creating new patterns that are healthy for you.
Explore the direction and quality of your life. The death of a parent often initiates a period of painful questioning: Where am I going in my life? What do I really value? What are my beliefs? Does my life really matter? This questioning is a critical part of the grieving process. Out of it will come new perspectives, directions and choices.
Don’t pressure yourself to “get back to normal”. Many expect that grief will be over in a few weeks or months. Grief has its own rhythm, nature and timing that resist our attempts to control it. For some, though certainly not all, there is a marked shift around the first anniversary of your parent’s death. However, as the years pass, the grief may well up from time to time. Each time it surfaces, see it as an opportunity for more healing.
Learn to parent yourself. Give yourself nurturance, love, protection and encouragement. Clarify the expectations you had of your parent that he or she never could fulfill. In seeing the relationship for what it was rather than what you wanted it to be, you can grieve what your parent didn’t give you and begin to appreciate what he or she did give you.
Let your friends know what you want and need from them. Offer them some suggestions of ways that they can help and support you– perhaps bringing you a meal, doing some errands, giving you a back rub, taking a walk with you, checking in on you regularly. Assert that your need to withdraw. Let him or her know about anything that he or she is doing that is not supportive. Encourage your friends to educate themselves about grief so that they will know what to expect. Remind them that grief takes a long time to heal.
Each year acknowledge the anniversary of your parent’s death. Take time to reflect and do something special to commemorate that date. Be gentle with yourself, as this is a vulnerable time in which many may feel depressed or emotional.
Celebrate the changes and new perspectives. These will begin to manifest in your life as you move out of the dark middle phase of grief. When you feel ready, act on new ideas, inspirations and insights.

Since Nickolas’ first birthday I’ve been cast into a shadow of grief, it hurls its waves at me leaving no room to breathe in between.  This summer I will be reliving each day like it was happening again and each wound will be reopened and dug even further. I expect to experience a wave of emotions as if I was freshly grieving all over again. Sleepless nights, no appetite and a longing to just crawl into a corner and die.

The memories still haunt me, I wake up frequently drenched in sweat from the nightmares. As his Angelversary approaches I get more and more fearful of how I’m going to react. I know it’s going to be a hard day for me to handle and I’m not looking forward to it at all!

Donna Button and I released a balloon with a note attached to our loved ones today, the balloon lingered for a long time making me realize that Nickolas is closer than I think, and he wanted me to know that he was there for me at this time, I love  you sweetie.

My sister wrote this for Nick today :)…

For a Special Nephew

A year has passed already
I wish I heard a sound
I know I should be smiling
But upon my face there’s a frown

The first time I saw your smile
I thought I heard a “ding”
But then the day came
When you would last hear us sing

If you were still here we would watch movies
I’d play with you all day
And if I heard you cry
I would you wipe your tears away

When you got older I would let you ride my bike
I’d help you practice Martial Arts
I would read you lots of bedtime stories
And just to make you laugh, I’d let you hear my farts

But before that came you were taken away
And now we have to start
Just thinking of the memories
That we keep within our hearts

Every day I think of you
And how you are not here
But I’ll always remember
That you are always near

Although you are not here today
Your name makes us know
That we all love and miss you Nick
And it’s hard to let you go!

Happy Birthday to the best nephew in the world! I love you with all my heart and I miss you so much.

Love Ashlee

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