Tag Archive: months

Hey everyone I know it’s been awhile and I’m sorry. You’ll be happy to know that I’m doing amazing, I’ve finally gotten past that pothole and I’ve begun to start looking at the positives in life! So if I can do it, you can too, I never thought a year ago that things could get any better but I sit here today in total amazement of myself that I have come this far.


Death Anniversary


If you check that out, it’s got the history of a Death Anniversary….

I will write more about Nick’s later 🙂

4 More Days

So the big day is in 4 days, and it’s really weighing on me! I just want to crawl into a corner and not come out for 24hrs with a giant box of tissue. Although I know that’s not plausible nor is it healthy it’s what I really want to do!

I am trying to think of something to write but my mind’s been so occupied I can’t think of anything!


All I have to say today is blah.

23 Days & Counting

So the days are getting shorter and so is the time between now and the day I’ve been dreading for a year. I don’t even want to think about it because the closer it gets the more irritable and depressed I get.  I’ve been so yucky and I’m pretty sure that by the time this is over everyone’s going to hate me.

I’ve been breaking down more often and at the simplest things. All anyone  has to say is one thing about him and I feel like crawling into a corner and never coming out. Any child I see makes me burst into tears, like today at the beach there was a little 21 day old baby next to our vehicle, he was cute as pie but I just couldn’t handle it took everything I had in me not to cry.

I’m going to see how I feel in another week, hopefully I will feel better!

Good Bless ♥

Since Nickolas’ first birthday I’ve been cast into a shadow of grief, it hurls its waves at me leaving no room to breathe in between.  This summer I will be reliving each day like it was happening again and each wound will be reopened and dug even further. I expect to experience a wave of emotions as if I was freshly grieving all over again. Sleepless nights, no appetite and a longing to just crawl into a corner and die.

The memories still haunt me, I wake up frequently drenched in sweat from the nightmares. As his Angelversary approaches I get more and more fearful of how I’m going to react. I know it’s going to be a hard day for me to handle and I’m not looking forward to it at all!

One year from today my world came crashing down on me.

Today was the day that the doctors called us at 7am and told us that Nickolas could die at any moment. It’s been a hard year and when I think back now I’m sure that’s the day I started grieving , I never gave up while there was still stuff I could do to help Nickolas, but I think I knew it then that no matter what I did he was never going to make it.

It’s as vivid in my memory as the day it happened, I can remember it like I was still in the room. We waited at Nickolas’ beside while we were waiting for the doctor to show up. When she finally arrived with that solemn look on her face we knew it couldn’t be good. She escorted us to the conference room, where we all sat down and she began to speak the words that would haunt me for the rest of my life. “We did some tests, and MRI to be exact, you know what that is right?” I nodded in confirmation, she continued “well the MRI results came back and they don’t look good, it’s a far worse situation then we thought. I am so sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Nickolas’ spinal cord is being pinched by his spine, you’re son might die at any moment.”

Although none of us really understood what she meant we knew it wasn’t good. I buried my head in my mother’s armpit and began crying. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, and I could barely even breath. My mother was the one asking all the questions, which would happen all too often when talking to the doctors in the future because every time they opened their mouths from then on was ALWAYS something bad or negative, my brain shut off every time one of them was around. My mind went blank it’s almost as if I was just told that I was dying, fear, grief, loathing, sadness, depression, and anger flooded into every inch of my being. Although I wasn’t dead I ceased to exist from that point on, my mind and body was numb, and continued this way every heart wrenching day we were there. I remember the room with the computer in it but I don’t remember getting there, I must have auto piloted following the doctor into the test results room. As soon as she pulled up Nickolas’ file, my mother, brother, sister, partner and I all gasped, we then knew exactly how grave Nickolas’ situation was.

I don’t know how I survived the weeks to come but I did, and to tell you the truth I don’t know how I’m still living today, with the passing of Nick’s first birthday last week and all the grief coming a million fold it’s a wonder why I haven’t either committed myself or done myself in already. It’s been a long and exhausting road but it’s getting easier to travel. That’s about all I write for now because I’m beginning to cry again.

Donna Button and I released a balloon with a note attached to our loved ones today, the balloon lingered for a long time making me realize that Nickolas is closer than I think, and he wanted me to know that he was there for me at this time, I love  you sweetie.

My sister wrote this for Nick today :)…

For a Special Nephew

A year has passed already
I wish I heard a sound
I know I should be smiling
But upon my face there’s a frown

The first time I saw your smile
I thought I heard a “ding”
But then the day came
When you would last hear us sing

If you were still here we would watch movies
I’d play with you all day
And if I heard you cry
I would you wipe your tears away

When you got older I would let you ride my bike
I’d help you practice Martial Arts
I would read you lots of bedtime stories
And just to make you laugh, I’d let you hear my farts

But before that came you were taken away
And now we have to start
Just thinking of the memories
That we keep within our hearts

Every day I think of you
And how you are not here
But I’ll always remember
That you are always near

Although you are not here today
Your name makes us know
That we all love and miss you Nick
And it’s hard to let you go!

Happy Birthday to the best nephew in the world! I love you with all my heart and I miss you so much.

Love Ashlee

A beautiful poem my mother wrote for Nickolas’s Birthday 😀

Lisette Desforge My Angel Grandson

Today is your first birthday
We should be celebrating you
With balloons and cake and little boy toys… See More
And lots of hugs and kisses too

Today should be a day
Where happiness is found
But since God took you early
Only tears are streaming down

You were a tiny little angel
Sent to us from up above
And though you weren’t around for long
You taught us how to love

You filled our lives for two short months
With laughter, smiles and love
I cherished every moment of it
Now that you’re with God up above

The minute I laid eyes upon you
I loved you from the start
My little angel grandson
You’d hold a special place within my heart

I can’t believe a year has passed
Since I’ve seen your tiny face
Now all I have are memories
Locked in a special place…

To my beautiful Grandson Nickolas: I want you to know that you will always be in my heart and thoughts. There’s not a day that passes when I don’t think of you. You touched the lives of everyone around you in more ways than you will ever know. Happy Birthday my little buddy, I hope you had the best birthday ever with all of the other angels up in heaven.

Love Always and Forever,

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