Tag Archive: dying


Rainbow Babies

Found this definition of Rainbow Babies and I wanted to share with you guys… Have you heard the term? Rainbow babies are babies that are born after the loss of a child. But, I found a better definition : Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

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So I know it’s been a while since I posted anything on here, but I just want to let you know I haven’t forgotten about any of you. I recently had a miscarriage in April so life lately hasn’t been the best,  which is the reason for the subject of my post today. It references the fact that I have had an Ectopic Pregnancy, a Neonatal Death and now a miscarriage. I’m at an all time low and for the most part have pretty much given up hope in my entire existence.  I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this and I should in all figurative sense of the phrase “dust my self off and get back on my horse”, but in times like this it leaves you feeling empty and dying inside. Losing yet another baby brought back all thoughts and memories of Nickolas’ death and it broke my heart into a million pieces all over again.

I’m so sick of everyone telling me stuff like “you’ll have a baby when the time is right” and “you’re still young don’t worry”. I know baby loss is a pretty unknown subject, not very talked about and almost taboo, but do people seriously understand what they say when they’re uttering words like that? Pardon my french but I honestly don’t give a shit if I’ll have a baby “when the time is right” it still hurts right now! Especially when I thought (foolish me) that the Higher Power in life wouldn’t let something like this happen to me yet again. Although it might sound like self-pity or however you may want to classify it, I sit alone at night and wonder when is it my turn to be happy. I see countless friends and family getting pregnant or having babies and I long to be in their shoes. Any way I think I’ve written enough for now considering tears are flowing down my cheeks. Remember to stay strong and if you can’t stay strong cry your eyes out because no one can tell you how and when to grieve!

Life After Death

No this isn’t some “I died and came back thing”, this is my post about what life is like almost two years after Nickolas’s death. I sit here reading what I wrote almost year ago and tears still fill my eyes. I don’t know how I ever got through those times, but I did and I’m here to say it is doable. I am not and will never say it’s easy, but it can be done. I will say that you can never ever let anyone tell you how to grieve. I mean okay there comes a point in time where you have to do like me and pick yourself up and dust yourself off and continue living, but never in a million years let anyone tell you it’s not okay to cry or think and miss your loved one. Remember take baby steps in your road to life after death, if you can’t take it one day at a time take it one hour at a time if you can’t do that take it in 10 minute increments. You’ll never fully recover from the loss but it will get better, try to take a moment to breath and calm down if you start feeling overwhelmed. Also please remember to surround yourself with positive people because negativity will only make the loss hurt more. Anyway I could talk all day about this stuff so I should leave some info for later.

Now What?

So it’s been over a year since Nickolas’ death and I’m still confused. Now that I’m over that extreme feeling of grief I don’t know what I should think. There’s so much I should do and could do it’s very overwhelming, there’s work or school even volunteer work. I know life needs to go on but I don’t know how to go about it being so detached for so long.

I’ve thought of studying to get my GED or finding a job or both and I know it’s what I need to do to get my life back on track but it’s intimidating to say the least.I think what’s holding me back the most is my back injury, as much as people think I’m lying the way the hospital messed up my back leaves me in pain when I walk more than 5-10 minutes or sit in a chair for an hour or so, even laying down gets uncomfortable after a while. If I try to go for Disability everyone’s going to call me lazy and think I’m crazy because I’m only 20 and if I sit at home and continue doing what I’m doing everyone is going to tell me it’s time to move on. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don’t know how I’m ever going to figure this out.

I mean let’s say I get my GED so I’ll have my diploma out of the way, that means I’ll be able to A) Go to college or B) Get a job. Either way it involves finding a job which means sitting, standing and everything else that comes along with working. It all comes back to my back and I really curse the hospital here in Sudbury for doing this to me, I used to walk miles and miles a day and now it hurt to walk to the 5 minutes to Wal-Mart. I don’t know I guess I’ll have to do my best to figure this out on my own, I mean who else is going to make decisions for me but myself. This is what being a grown up is all about!

Songs Of Grief & Loss

Songs of Grief and Loss.

A good site I found of songs you can use for what ever the occasion of grief and loss, also some other things on this site about miscarriage and what not.

Hey everyone I know it’s been awhile and I’m sorry. You’ll be happy to know that I’m doing amazing, I’ve finally gotten past that pothole and I’ve begun to start looking at the positives in life! So if I can do it, you can too, I never thought a year ago that things could get any better but I sit here today in total amazement of myself that I have come this far.

Death Anniversary

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_anniversary

If you check that out, it’s got the history of a Death Anniversary….

I will write more about Nick’s later 🙂

4 More Days

So the big day is in 4 days, and it’s really weighing on me! I just want to crawl into a corner and not come out for 24hrs with a giant box of tissue. Although I know that’s not plausible nor is it healthy it’s what I really want to do!

I am trying to think of something to write but my mind’s been so occupied I can’t think of anything!

Almost There

So it’s 8 days away until the worst most painful day of my life. I don’t really know what to say at this moment because every day it’s gotten closer the more and more depressed and anxious I’ve been getting. I wish I could tell everyone it’s been easy but it’s been excruciating to watch the days tick down to this awful day.

Each day I long to hold him in my arms more and more, the pain rarely subsides and leaves me in peace. Almost a year after I sit here and feel like a horrible mother because I can remember holding him and loving him but I don’t remember what it feels like, my arms have been empty far too long. Honestly I can’t remember much from the time Nickolas was born until the day he died, I remember the events but the actual time together is a blur. I sit here night after night wondering if it would be best for me to join him because I don’t feel complete and I am definitely not myself anymore.

In my year’s journey through grief I have found that although people always say it’ll get better, they don’t really understand what it does to you. Even though I don’t do anything all day my grief exhausts me to the point where I feel like I’ve been working 12hr shifts every day. Even when I’m up and out I still get sidetracked and end up thinking about my great loss.

Any who I’ve got a lot to think about before next week, so I think this is enough for the day.

Blah

All I have to say today is blah.

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