So I know it’s been a while since I posted anything on here, but I just want to let you know I haven’t forgotten about any of you. I recently had a miscarriage in April so life lately hasn’t been the best,  which is the reason for the subject of my post today. It references the fact that I have had an Ectopic Pregnancy, a Neonatal Death and now a miscarriage. I’m at an all time low and for the most part have pretty much given up hope in my entire existence.  I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this and I should in all figurative sense of the phrase “dust my self off and get back on my horse”, but in times like this it leaves you feeling empty and dying inside. Losing yet another baby brought back all thoughts and memories of Nickolas’ death and it broke my heart into a million pieces all over again.

I’m so sick of everyone telling me stuff like “you’ll have a baby when the time is right” and “you’re still young don’t worry”. I know baby loss is a pretty unknown subject, not very talked about and almost taboo, but do people seriously understand what they say when they’re uttering words like that? Pardon my french but I honestly don’t give a shit if I’ll have a baby “when the time is right” it still hurts right now! Especially when I thought (foolish me) that the Higher Power in life wouldn’t let something like this happen to me yet again. Although it might sound like self-pity or however you may want to classify it, I sit alone at night and wonder when is it my turn to be happy. I see countless friends and family getting pregnant or having babies and I long to be in their shoes. Any way I think I’ve written enough for now considering tears are flowing down my cheeks. Remember to stay strong and if you can’t stay strong cry your eyes out because no one can tell you how and when to grieve!

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