So it’s 8 days away until the worst most painful day of my life. I don’t really know what to say at this moment because every day it’s gotten closer the more and more depressed and anxious I’ve been getting. I wish I could tell everyone it’s been easy but it’s been excruciating to watch the days tick down to this awful day.

Each day I long to hold him in my arms more and more, the pain rarely subsides and leaves me in peace. Almost a year after I sit here and feel like a horrible mother because I can remember holding him and loving him but I don’t remember what it feels like, my arms have been empty far too long. Honestly I can’t remember much from the time Nickolas was born until the day he died, I remember the events but the actual time together is a blur. I sit here night after night wondering if it would be best for me to join him because I don’t feel complete and I am definitely not myself anymore.

In my year’s journey through grief I have found that although people always say it’ll get better, they don’t really understand what it does to you. Even though I don’t do anything all day my grief exhausts me to the point where I feel like I’ve been working 12hr shifts every day. Even when I’m up and out I still get sidetracked and end up thinking about my great loss.

Any who I’ve got a lot to think about before next week, so I think this is enough for the day.

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