One year from today my world came crashing down on me.

Today was the day that the doctors called us at 7am and told us that Nickolas could die at any moment. It’s been a hard year and when I think back now I’m sure that’s the day I started grieving , I never gave up while there was still stuff I could do to help Nickolas, but I think I knew it then that no matter what I did he was never going to make it.

It’s as vivid in my memory as the day it happened, I can remember it like I was still in the room. We waited at Nickolas’ beside while we were waiting for the doctor to show up. When she finally arrived with that solemn look on her face we knew it couldn’t be good. She escorted us to the conference room, where we all sat down and she began to speak the words that would haunt me for the rest of my life. “We did some tests, and MRI to be exact, you know what that is right?” I nodded in confirmation, she continued “well the MRI results came back and they don’t look good, it’s a far worse situation then we thought. I am so sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Nickolas’ spinal cord is being pinched by his spine, you’re son might die at any moment.”

Although none of us really understood what she meant we knew it wasn’t good. I buried my head in my mother’s armpit and began crying. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, and I could barely even breath. My mother was the one asking all the questions, which would happen all too often when talking to the doctors in the future because every time they opened their mouths from then on was ALWAYS something bad or negative, my brain shut off every time one of them was around. My mind went blank it’s almost as if I was just told that I was dying, fear, grief, loathing, sadness, depression, and anger flooded into every inch of my being. Although I wasn’t dead I ceased to exist from that point on, my mind and body was numb, and continued this way every heart wrenching day we were there. I remember the room with the computer in it but I don’t remember getting there, I must have auto piloted following the doctor into the test results room. As soon as she pulled up Nickolas’ file, my mother, brother, sister, partner and I all gasped, we then knew exactly how grave Nickolas’ situation was.

I don’t know how I survived the weeks to come but I did, and to tell you the truth I don’t know how I’m still living today, with the passing of Nick’s first birthday last week and all the grief coming a million fold it’s a wonder why I haven’t either committed myself or done myself in already. It’s been a long and exhausting road but it’s getting easier to travel. That’s about all I write for now because I’m beginning to cry again.

Advertisements